< > Sinner, you better get ready < >
< > Oh, you better get ready, Hallelujah < >
< > Sinner, you better get ready < >
< > Times are comin' when the sinner must die < >
< > Well, God gave Noah the rainbow sign < >
< > Times are comin' when the sinner must die < >
< > But it won't be water but fire next time < >
< > Times are comin' when the sinner must die < >
< > Oh, sinner, you better get ready < >
< > Oh, you better get ready, Hallelujah < >
< > Oh, sinner, you better get ready < >
< > Times are comin' when the sinner must die < >
Hi, Etta. I'm your Uncle Donnie.
I met you when you were just a baby.
And I'm your Aunt Charlene.
Donnie's your daddy's brother, bless his soul.
How would you and Pam like to come and live with us
in the house where your daddy was born?
< > Oh, sinner, you better get ready < >
< > Oh, you better get ready, Hallelujah < >
< > Oh, sinner, you better get ready < >
< > Times are coming when the sinner must die < >
< > Times are coming < >
< > When the sinner must die < >
How much you weigh?
Your weight, how much?
I don't know. Buck forty?
Lemme see your stomach. Cut that out.
Hmm.
Try this on for me.
(Horn honking)
Here comes Mom!
Whew!
What's gonna happen when I start this car?
Nothing.
You sure about that?
'Cause the circus is in town, and Momma's on edge.
Fine.
That's my little man.
The circus is in town, and Momma's on edge.
Watergate.
I like that game.
Yeah, I know you do.
All right.
(Engine puttering)
Come on, Bessie!
< > Rock this bitch < >
Sorry! (Turning radio off)
######
< > Hung my cotton dress < >
< > On rusted wire < >
< > Up there on Pelahatchie Bridge < >
< > Just a crazy roughneck's daughter < >
< > Jumped head-first into the water < >
< > Baptized away my sins < >
< > Hitched to town < >
< > With Bobby Jo and Tommy < >
< > Couple of lookers new best friends < >
< > We slipped in the back of Sunday service < >
< > Know them church ladies, they heard us < >
< > Bum smoke money from the offering < >
< > Mama said, "Idle hands are Devil's handiwork" < >
< > Oh, the trouble you'll get into < >
< > You got nothin' better to do... < >
What does "Shangri-La" mean?
It's a nice name for a whore house.
I want a whore!
No baby, you want a horse.
Ow. Help your brother with his S's.
< > Sign read < >
< > "Bait, chips, beer and ammunition" < >
< > That Slim-Jim bag boy hadn't a prayer < >
< > Well, I hiked my skirt < >
< > And did the talkin' < >
< > While them boys < >
< > Were busy walkin' < >
< > Case of .5 out the back door < >
< > Mama said, "Idle hands are Devil's handiwork" < >
< > Oh, the trouble you'll get into < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > Yeah! < >
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
You're the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Shut up!
Hey, you shut up!
Come on, boys.
Hey, get out here! Get you some change.
I'm going first! No! Hey!
Got change on a dollar?
Shane!
(Door opening)
Jesus! The kids are right outside!
Ches, I got something for you.
I thought we were saving money.
We are, but here. Give me your shirt.
Oh.
You paid full price for that.
I'm gonna take it back.
Next time you need something, you just let me know.
Oh, I need something.
(Giggling)
What's that? Oh, them's fireworks.
Got an old boy who's gonna buy every one of 'em
I can make before Labour Day.
Should turn a tidy little profit.
Mm-hm. Just like the last three schemes?
(Stuttering)
Ches, how are we supposed to save any money for college
if every time we get our hands on it, you go and piss it away?
One of my inventions is bound to hit.
And if it don't, then where we gonna be?
(Yelling)
Help! Mommy! (Laughing)
Help!
I thought you fixed that.
Oh, I did.
He is gonna throw up in the car, I just know it.
Come here! Hang on, boy!
(Engine puttering)
Come on, come on!
(Engine starting) Yeah!
You hear that?
That engine's really hopping!
Eff that, man. You hear them horses?
It's stampedin'!
These stallions are running wild, man!
Chester! Come on!
Turn that off, already! Turn it off!
(Engine stopping)
Hey. Kyle doesn't say much anymore.
Oh, honey, that's cause he's a man.
Well, in the beginning, he talked all the time.
Now he just comes home from work and turns on the TV.
I mean, he's still a sweetie, he's just quiet.
Well, does he still wanna--
You know.
Yeah, all the time.
I think you need to close down the fun factory for awhile.
Let him know admission ain't free.
Pam. Pam!
He has got to learn to think outside your box.
Ah! Oh, Shane,
quit wrestling with your brother,
you're gonna break his leg.
Shane! Chris!
Come help your Uncle Kyle fix his race car.
There's my future pit crew.
Come here, you little weirdo.
What do you say I teach you how to change a set of tires
in less than 15 seconds, man?
Give it. All right.
Hey, now. Shane? Shane.
Get your brother and get back over here and wrestle.
Come on! Just don't break his leg.
Let's go!
That's my pit crew!
Hey, Ches? Hmm?
How come a woman can love a man, and that sometimes ain't enough?
What?
I mean, take Pam.
Kyle goes to the Shangri-La.
This again? But she loves him.
Well, he loves her too. You know?
It's just, with the words and all that,
it's kinda hard for some guys.
They just can't say it.
Well, then, so why does he go to a titty bar?
You really wanna know? Yes.
All right. Then I am gonna tell you.
You like sunsets, right?
I mean, I know you do, because I seen you look at 'em,
and sometimes they even make you cry.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Do you remember those mountains in, uh,
Yellowstone, on our honeymoon?
Yeah, they were amazing.
Now, you know, the fellow that discovered them, he was French,
and he named them the Grand Tetons.
Do you know why? Why?
Because he thought they was about
the most beautiful things he ever seen.
Do you know what "teton" means in French?
It means "tit."
Oh! What?
They are not gonna name a mountain range The Grand Tits.
Well, you look it up.
I will. All right.
That's just how it is.
See, with us fellas, we look at them titty bars,
and we see nothing but beautiful sunsets.
Mm-hm.
I ever catch you staring at a pair of sunsets,
and it is gonna be the longest damn eclipse you ever seen.
(Giggling)
Ches, you asleep? No.
Ches.
I don't wanna hear any more future pit crew talk
with Kyle and the boys, okay?
Oh, we's just messing around.
The boys love race cars.
Plus, I am the new sponsor.
What?
Well, just so he can get a carburetor.
Can't you see it, though?
"Chester's Inventions and Liquor,"
right there on the hood of his car
as it's coming across the finish line.
Chessy, he ain't never even finished a damn race.
Are you out of your mind?
No. I'm not.
He's your future brother-in-law, and I believe in him.
Well, that makes one of you.
What's wrong with being a mechanic, anyway?
Kyle's a mechanic.
My dad was a mechanic.
Mechanics don't go to college.
Your daddy did not go to college.
What's so important about college?
My daddy was a good man.
Yes, Ches, your daddy was a good man.
But he was poor.
And we're barely scraping by.
We're robbing Peter to pay Paul,
and I don't want the boys to have to struggle
for every single solitary dime.
One of my inventions is bound to hit.
Oh, Ches! No. The boys--
The only way that they're gonna have a better life
is if they get a good education.
Not chasing some half-cocked pipedream.
Half-cocked? Half-cocked?
When have you ever known me to go off half-cocked?
(Grunting)
< >
(Banging)
What was that?
BOTH: Nothing!
I Can't find 'em!
Keep looking.
Got 'em!
(Clattering)
Can I try it?
You're too young.
I didn't even touch these till I was eight.
(Woman talking on TV)
(Dialling phone)
(Ringing)
CHESTER: Hello?
Uh, your fireworks-material bill came.
Ches?
Well, I told him to send that here.
$336? Are you nuts?
Etta, in a week we will have tripled that money.
(Exploding)
Oh, my God!
Oh, man!
(Sirens blaring)
Are the boys okay?
No thanks to your stupid fireworks.
Ches, they could've been killed.
Well, at least we're covered for fire.
Not for this one, you're not.
Manufacturing fireworks in the state of Georgia is illegal.
I should arrest you, Chester.
Consider it a personal favour that I'm not.
Oh, you put green in it this time.
It's nice, Chester.
All right, come on! Let's put out a fire.
< >
< > Mama's crying again < >
< > Her baby's nowhere to be found < >
< > The world has gone and taken her away < >
< > Daddy went and ran off... < >
CHESTER: One of my inventions is bound to hit.
ETTA: Every time we go and get our hands on it,
you go and piss it away.
Evening.
Don't move!
Oh!
Don't shoot me, mister, please.
I got kids.
Put the money in the bag.
< > We're best of friends and worst enemies < >
< > We're all to blame we're all the same < >
< > Make no apologies < >
< > This is my family < >
MAN: Thank you for calling 911.
The sheriff has been dispatched to Chester's Liquors.
If I could just get your name, sir.
Sir?
(Siren blaring)
< >
(Crunching)
(Clattering)
(Yelling)
Sorry about your door, Chester.
Hey, SWAT team? He already left.
Aw.
I just got robbed.
Ches! No!
Yeah. Son of a bitch got $200.
Oh, but--
It's not gonna happen again though.
(Laughing)
So who you want to shoot today?
Oh, I don't want to shoot anybody, Bo.
I'm looking for more of a-- You know, a deterrent.
Shooting's a deterrent.
It's the best deterrent there is.
(Laughing)
ETTA: You really do have a lot of nice things.
MAN: Well, thank you, miss.
So, um, they appreciate like they do on the show?
Well, if you know what to buy.
Boy, I tell you, these two look awfully similar to me.
Now why's this one so much more?
Uh, it's primarily the condition.
I mean, truthfully, I've been moving more and more
to selling these kind of pieces online.
Twelve-gauge shotgun.
(Cocking)
Pump action.
Once you put that shell in that chamber,
they're out the door.
(Laughing)
Here.
You know, a thousand dollars is still an awful lot to spend.
Think you might take $700 for it?
For you? I could do $800.
You are the generous one.
I've seen them do this on the Road Show.
You ever handle a firearm before?
Can't say that I have.
Meet me out by the pond.
Go on.
Now, this thing ever been restored?
Oh, no, ma'am.
Yeah, 'cause restoration hurts the--
The value of the piece.
Then again, you knew that, duh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
When's the last time you saw a deer hold up a liquor store, hm?
Not too often. All right.
Aim at the fat guy, all right?
Aim at the middle of his body,
that way you got plenty of margin for error.
Go ahead.
It's just that this a really big investment.
Really big.
Well, if it's an investment,
you really should take into account
the superior condition of this piece over here.
Oh, no!
No, I'm going with this one, for $800.
$800, it is.
Yeah, but let's not tell Chester about this.
Oh, it's a surprise.
Yeah, it would be.
(Gunshot)
Shit, Ches. You shot me.
Nobody shoots the "Bo" target.
Gimme the gun.
I am afraid,
in all good conscience,
I cannot sell you a firearm.
Huh?
What?
Hey, honey, what is that?
Oh, that's an antique rosewood table.
Ain't it something?
Yeah. Where'd it come from?
Uncle Jeffrey.
Hm. Present?
Naw. He died.
Which one was Jeffrey?
You met him last summer.
I don't believe I did.
Yeah, you did. Yeah, he really liked you.
Well, you don't seem too broke up about it.
Oh, well, you know, uh, he'd been sick for a long time.
It's more a relief than anything else.
Cancer?
What? Jeffrey.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Stopped by Bo's today.
Oh, Ches, no!
Well, I wanted to buy a shotgun.
He wouldn't sell it to me.
Well, good.
We got two boys that need their father a hell of a lot more
than we need that 800 bucks that fella took.
Who said anything about 800 bucks?
I said $200
'cause I didn't want you worrying about it.
Ches! You said $800.
Now, eat.
(Knocking on door)
I'll get it.
Etta Milford?
You're under arrest.
(Chuckling)
I love doing that.
Is Ches home?
CHESTER: In here, Ernie.
Say, you don't happen to have any of those, um,
chocolate brownies that you had at little league?
Oh, plum out, Ernie.
CHESTER: There's a fresh batch in the pantry.
Withholding evidence?
Can't get nothin' past you, Ernie.
What's that?
My first million.
It's like a Swiss army knife.
Yeah, but did you ever see a Swiss army knife
with a cigarette lighter?
Yeah.
Really?
All the time.
Hey, baby. Hey, beautiful.
Come here.
Hey, can I get you something for dessert?
Depends what you got.
Well, warm apple pie.
Chocolate cake.
Fruit cup.
The cobbler's even better.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna have to try that cobbler.
You know, you must make a killing in tips.
Oh, shut up, Ches.
The usual?
No, I'll have the, uh, fruit cup.
I'll get right on that.
Thank you, baby.
Who's minding the store?
Oh, I'm trying something new.
< >
Why they spend so much money on this thing?
Don't nobody go faster than 20 miles an hour
in this godforsaken town.
Why you always so fired up about giving out tickets?
Town like this, chances are it's somebody you know.
Just means one more person thinks you're a dick.
People think I'm a dick?
Oh, hell, I don't know.
Everybody thinks somebody's a dick.
But when you're new in town,
it doesn't make sense to get off on the wrong foot with folks.
Leave 'em be.
But we're cops.
I think you focus on that way too much.
(Vehicle approaching)
Oh! We got one.
Yeah! Twenty-two.
It's a new record.
Light 'em up.
< >
Brought your favourite, so dig on in.
You wrecked the car.
No.
No use wasting five bucks at the diner
when your lovely wife can make you the same BBQ for a dollar.
Let me ask you something.
Pennies. They ever scream when you pinch 'em?
Every little bit helps. Now, eat.
Oh, hey. What did, uh--? What did Ernie say?
He's suspicious of that fella opened the thrift shop.
Oh, the antique shop?
Ever since he moved here. Bam!
I get robbed just like that?
Got a way to get that money back.
Atlanta Braves All-Stars Pecan Cracking Machine.
Famous Braves players, regional pride, state tie in.
You follow me?
Which players?
I don't know yet.
Doesn't even have a Brave uniform on.
Yeah, well, this is just a work in progress.
Um-- Voila!
The pecan.
Number 1 pecan-producing state?
Georgia.
Oh, you're kidding.
No, no. This is good.
See?
(Laughing) Of course, now,
it's supposed to break the shell,
but this is just a prototype.
You made this?
Uh-huh.
And I got a fellow up in Atlanta
says he'll make me a whole bunch of 'em once I get it right.
Uh-huh.
How much is that gonna cost us?
Oh, just 11 bucks each.
If I could get a hundred...
Eleven hundred dollars?
You paid him? No. I didn't.
I mean, I don't have the money yet.
It's not Labour Day. Oh, Chester!
You are not planning on wasting our money on this thing!
Wasting?
This is who I am.
I mean, you know that. Not-- Not this.
The liquor store isn't me.
You know that. You've always known that.
No. No, this is the one.
I can feel it.
Hey, come here.
What does that say?
Bread.
Go get your mama some.
MAN: Hello.
That table I sold you. How's it workin' out?
Uh. You did not hear that.
It is in my front hallway,
growing older and more valuable every day.
Well, I have some new pieces that just came in,
if you'd like to stop by.
I'm kinda tapped out after that table.
Well, I'm about out of space.
I may sell the whole lot
to an associate in Savannah at a discount.
Good to see you.
< >
Why's he looking at you like that?
Son, your mother's an awful handsome woman.
That's his way of paying a compliment.
You can do that sort of thing
when you charge less than other markets.
Course if you didn't?
Might be considered inappropriate.
Ain't that right, Mr. Simmons?
Awful handsome.
I wanna be him when I grow up.
Chef or an elf?
I'm gonna be a fireman.
Oh, yeah?
Well, how about a fire chief?
You know, you go to school and get a good education,
you can be anything you want.
Have stuff and do stuff that Daddy and I never did.
(Music playing on TV)
Hey, y'all go in the living room and watch TV.
So you found this at a flea market?
Years ago, yes.
Do you remember what you paid for it?
Five dollars, maybe.
What do you think it's worth today?
I have no idea.
I think in the neighbourhood of one thousand dollars.
Wow.
Damn that's a nice neighbourhood.
Why can't you do that?
Boy, this is a beautiful piece.
You can say that again.
What?
Huh? Huh?
You sure I can't interest you in this Windsor back?
It's 19th century.
There you go again,
pushing all the expensive pieces.
It is all I can do to afford this one.
I'll take it.
Okay, you can have it.
Now, can you hold it?
'Cause I gotta go, uh, round up some cash.
You know, I can tell the future.
You predict the future.
Oh, I can, I got ways. Let me tell ya.
In fact, I know where you're gonna be in an hour from now.
Where's that?
I think you're gonna be in the back of my cruiser,
wearing handcuffs.
You're so bad!
Aw, you don't even know the half of it.
(Door opening)
Always know where I can find you, Ernie.
I would like a pint of chocolate chip, please.
Just you out today?
No, I got Buck and Rob staking out Chester's place as we speak.
I'm just saying, I think we'd have more crime
if we had more laws.
You know what I mean?
Hm.
So, Ernie, how's your wife, Angela?
(Coughing)
She's fine, thank you for asking.
All right.
I guess I'll see y'all later.
You have a nice day, ma'am.
You take care now.
< >
Hi, guys.
Who's hungry?
There we go.
Back up. Come on, now.
Momma needs a new chair.
There's enough for everyone.
< > Time to take matters in my own hands, yeah < >
< > It's time for me to take it like a man < >
(Snoring)
(Radio crackling)
MAN: Buck? You there?
We got a 387 in progress
right in the middle of the road by Highway 12!
387?
Goats in the road.
(Siren blaring)
(Pig squealing)
Would you put that thing down and get over here and help me?
Oh, my God, we got ourselves a damn stampede!
Come on!
< >
Ah, really?
You know that there's another liquor store
in the next town over, right?
(Beeping)
Twenty, 40,
60, 70...
Is that new?
Yeah.
Hundred and ten, 15...
You know, if you're gonna make a habit out of doing this,
would you mind buying some rope?
That stings coming off.
SHERIFF: Oh!
Oh, there's the train a-coming.
(Groaning)
There's a train coming now.
I can hear the whistle blow!
MAN OVER RADIO: Calling all cars,
there's been a robbery at Chester's Liquors.
Please respond immediately. Dangit!
Aw.
Well, I still get that case of beer, don't I?
Well, I don't want none of that crap stuff, neither.
I want Bud this time.
WOMAN: The shaping goes down past the saddlebag area...
SHERIFF: What are you looking at?
All right, see that?
That woman there invented a pair of pantyhose
that make that poor woman's ass look like a peach!
God. Geez, that looks good to me.
All right. Okay.
Now, what did the perpetrator look like?
What did he look like?
Stocky, mask and a shot gun.
You seen anybody walkin' around matches that description?
Hey, Sonny.
I didn't rob you. Don't get pissy with me.
Oh, Ernie, it's the second time.
What the hell else you gotta--
I just came from a dicey situation up the road
to come down here and assist you.
What happened? A squirrel get run over by a car up there?
I think you forget who you're talking to.
Oh, no, I know exactly who I'm talking to.
I can tell by the chocolate sauce
on your lip there, Sheriff.
Well, anyway.
We're--
We're gonna get this son of a bitch.
I gotta go get some Bud.
You don't drink Bud.
Well, I figure now's as good a time as any to start.
Is that going on the tab? Or are you gonna pay for it?
Any other strange things, you know, you just call me.
< >
I had the strangest conversation with Kyle last night.
ETTA: 'Cause you shut down the fun factory, didn't ya?
Yeah, Chester told him
you'd been inheriting some furniture recently.
He did?
Yeah. Apparently your relatives are dropping like flies.
Which makes them my relatives.
And I never even heard of them.
I have had that chair in the basement forever.
Yeah, uh-huh.
What about that table?
My, somebody has taken their curious pills this morning.
Etta! I saw that chair in Zachary's shop last week.
I'm sure it is a very common design.
No, no, no. This one.
I was carrying take-out
when I knocked it over and chipped it.
Price tag read $1500.
I about had a heart attack.
Figured he'd make me pay for it.
He didn't?
I knew it. I knew it. I knew it!
Where did you get that kind of money?
I sort of took out a loan.
From who?
The store.
Chester wouldn't do that.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my--
Oh, hey! No. Not there.
Up! Come on! Come on!
Jesus, Etta!
You have been robbing your own husband?
You are gonna fall through this floor straight down to hell.
No, I am investing in their future!
With a chair and a table? So far.
So far? You cannot be thinking about doing this again!
I don't know!
I haven't thought it through yet.
Okay? Yeah. Obviously.
This last time really shook Chester up.
(Honking)
Oh, Lord, what now?
(Barking) Daddy's got a dog!
What the hell are you doing with a wolf in the car?
(Barking) Oh, that is not a wolf.
It's a guard dog, baby.
Come here and take a look.
ETTA: We saw something just like that in Yellowstone
and you called it a wolf.
Wolves are related to dogs.
Some dogs look a little bit like a wolf.
That's what this one does. (Barking)
That thing looks exactly like a wolf.
(Growling)
Chris, Shane, step away from there!
Next time when Chester's robber buddy shows up
he's gonna be in for a big effin' surprise.
(Barking)
You're bringing that thing to the store?
Yeah.
So, what? It can eat the robber before he eats you?
The fella that sold him to me
gave me the pamphlet with his commands.
Sure would like to see it.
It's in the car.
That's my bad.
Might want to leave a note.
Hey, Uncle Kyle!
I didn't know your sister got married.
Oh, she didn't.
I just have them call him that so he'll get the hint.
Hey! Uncle Kyle!
Shane get down! Look at me!
Shane, down.
No use bothering Uncle Kyle
when he's doing something he knows he should not be doing.
Oh, ain't nothing wrong with a little harmless fun.
Mr. Simmons, I am moulding a young man here.
Please do not contradict me mid-mould.
Get in the car.
You all stay here. I will be right back.
< >
I told 'em, "Whatever, man, my cousin's black," you know?
They don't understand a thing.
What the hell?
Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!
Lock and load!
Freeze! What the hell are you doing?
Can't talk, Buck. Busy.
Oh, hey, Etta. I didn't know it was you.
We'll, uh, talk later.
Well, you just gonna let her do that?
It's Etta Milford.
After you've been here longer you'll understand.
(Door opening)
(Barking)
Yeah, just stay behind that line right there.
You sure?
Oh, I do it every day.
Sitzen-sie!
That's supposed to calm him down.
I think it just pisses him off.
He got a name?
I've taken to calling him "shut the hell up."
Shut the hell up!
Kind of therapeutic, ain't it?
Kind of.
Go on back there and get you something.
Pork rinds.
Okay. Bye.
Hey, now, I'm gonna have to open up a drive-thru,
you keep barking like that.
I don't make much.
Pam's the only thing I got
that's worth a damn in this whole world.
All the money I was gonna spend on her, I gotta spend on this.
And strippers.
Who you think you are?
Ever think maybe it's not your job
to decide what's right for everybody else?
She is my sister.
That's funny.
You say that like you own her.
(Playing "Notre Dame Victory March")
< >
I don't like that stuff.
Well, that's why it's good for you.
Awful handsome.
(Inaudible dialogue)
Here ya go.
Trouble in paradise?
Some guys are just a little freer than others.
Kyle needs help getting herded into the corral.
Is that how you talked about me before we got married?
Chester, you were born in the corral.
Oh, man. Bo.
What happened?
Zachary happened.
He is renting space.
Temporarily. Huh.
Yeah.
Let's get this out back.
What's all this?
Santa's workshop.
You see, this becomes that.
Oh, yeah?
Zachary's out here every night messing with the furniture.
Yeah. He has got it down to a science.
So he's faking them antiques he sells.
Yeah, well, can't say that I agree with it.
But he sells most of 'em on eBay.
You can sell anything on eBay.
One guy, he tried to sell his kidney on eBay.
No!
They wouldn't let him.
ETTA: Ready?
BOTH: Countdown!
Three, two--
Big guns!
(Yelling)
Yeah! Right there!
Little bit of this, little bit of that!
(Yelling)
Right there!
Yeah, baby!
Get back up there!
Hey!
What the hell did you say to him?
Say to who?
Kyle.
Okay, boys. Come on.
In the house for a minute, come on.
There you go. Come on.
We'll finish up in a minute.
Where do you get off threatening my boyfriend?
Well, I would hardly call it a threat.
Etta, he had saved that money to buy me a ring!
Yeah, a ring, Etta.
You had to go screw it all up.
Hell, I know he goes that club.
He goes with his boss. Pam.
For once in your life, mind your own damn business.
God knows you got enough problems already
stickin' up Chester.
Okay, you need to watch your-- You know what?
The best thing that could happen to you right now
is if somebody did hear.
(Engine starting)
(Tires squealing)
How'd I do?
Six miles an hour. Ha!
Top that, hotshot.
Let me show you how it's done.
Come on. Ready?
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!
Yeah! How was that?
So is this what you guys do?
Sometimes.
Can I get in on it?
Ante up.
(Laughing)
Whoa!
Etta girl! Just who I wanted to see.
Hey, hey!
What's the rush?
Errands.
What? Too busy to see the deal of a lifetime?
Yeah.
Oh, well, what the hey? I mean, you're here,
I'm here, there's good stuff in there.
Come on.
Won't take long. Come on!
Okay.
(Laughing)
It's your first time.
When was the last time you had that thing calibrated?
So where's these deals you keep telling me about?
Uh-oh. Sold 'em.
Just like that.
Yes, ma'am. Okay. Yeah.
I'm out of here. Wait. No, wait.
Just-- Time out!
I was just about to close, so perhaps now is a good time
for a grand tour.
Maybe show you the ins and outs of the antique business?
Okay. I got a good idea of the ins and outs
you're referring to, and no, thank you.
Oh, now, wait, wait. Come on.
You just never give a guy a chance.
Get off me! God!
Get off me!
(Glass breaking)
Sh, sh!
That ain't right.
Stay here. I'm checking it out.
Please?
Man!
< >
We're closed!
I'll be damned.
Lipstick.
All right, boy!
Now, let me show you what's gonna happen
next time your armed robber friend tries to rob you.
This is a robbery!
Put all your money into my old sock here.
Did you not hear me, boy?
I said put all your money into my filthy sock!
God! If you do not put your money into my sock,
I will you shoot your face in the face!
I'm sorry, sir. This transaction cannot be processed
due to the bullet-proofocity of this security shield
I have installed. Thank you very much.
How you doing, Sheriff?
Kyle, boy.
No hole.
Say, if you all are busy, I can come back later.
No, Kyle's just getting ready to take that glass down.
I just need to speak to you for a second.
What's up, Ernie?
Well, uh, now,
we've known each other a long time.
Oh, yeah.
Well, last night,
I saw something--
What? Boobs?
You see some boobs, man?
Good boobs?
Zachary!
BO: He ain't here.
What are you doing here?
Last time I got drunk,
I promised Zach I'd watch his store sometimes.
Drunken promises suck.
Well, where is he?
Got me. I'll tell him you came by though.
No, no, no.
Ow.
ETTA: Oh, that's an antique rosewood table.
Ain't it something? Jesus.
I bet old Zachary keeps pretty good records though, don't he?
Yeah, buddy.
Extremely flammable, Ches.
(Laughing)
Okay. I won't do it no more.
(Laughing)
I told you he wouldn't like it.
I'm getting some Band-Aids.
We gotta talk.
Can it wait? You screwing Zachary?
What? Answer me!
Ches, the boys are right upstairs.
That is not the right answer.
No, I am not screwing Zachary.
'Cause Ernie says he saw you two last night.
Oh, Ernie says!
I went to ask him about some antiques.
Turns out he was interested in a different set of drawers,
so I smacked him. That's what Ernie saw.
Mm-hm. Well, I went by his shop this afternoon,
and you know what I found?
I found sales slips.
One for a table, one for a chair.
No Uncle Jeffrey, no Cousin Jake!
You're feeding me shit every day about "Oh, we gotta save money,"
and you're buying furniture that we don't need.
I hate furniture!
No, not furniture, Ches.
Investments.
Yeah, see, I saw on TV where people bring in their antiques,
thinking that they're worth nothing,
and then they turn out to be worth thousands!
Not this crap. Yeah, yeah, Ches, look!
This is 18th century.
I have got a book upstairs
that's got a table that looks just like this, in a museum.
So later on, we need money for college, we can sell it!
It's not like having money in the bank,
where you can just spend it. It's safe.
These things, they appreciate.
They are fakes, Etta! Oh, the hell they are.
Look at this.
Hand-crafted 1920s Queen Anne chair with a--
I have been to the man's workshop.
Christ, our TV's older than that chair.
Why would he do that to me?
I can't figure out how you've been able to
get the money together to buy 'em in the first place.
I mean, we're barely scraping by as it is.
And that maniac is robbing me and you--
No.
Aw, no.
I'm so sorry, Ches.
You stole from me?
No, I stole for us, for the boys.
< >
Where are we going?
To get a refund.
Afternoon, Etta.
You don't strike me as the murdering type.
How could you cheat me?
How? I tried to steer you to the real pieces.
But, no. You wanted a deal.
Ever since that damn TV show,
everybody wants a deal.
Have to sell the pieces I make just to keep the door open.
That money was for my kids.
Well, here, call a cop.
You know, it is the weirdest thing.
You say that money is tight.
But every time your husband gets robbed,
you waltz in here, flush with cash.
We're the same person, Etta.
I'm not saying that's bad.
Maybe the meek shall inherit the Earth,
but they sure live like hell,
waiting for everybody else to die.
I didn't think so.
Don't cross me, Etta.
Those boys will have a very hard time
with a mama in prison.
You ought to get that gun appraised.
< >
I want you boys to wait here.
(Rock song playing)
< >
God bless the USA, man.
(Door opening)
Put your hands up.
Now!
Man, this is my favourite one.
It's amazing. Check it.
Hot damn! What do you think, man?
Oh! God damn!
There you go.
Need a hand?
Where are we going?
Did you see Thelma and Louise?
Who are they?
Two robbers that drove off a cliff.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Come on, hurry it up!
I'm trying as hard as I-- I'm juts nervous.
Momma's gonna get so mad at you.
Shut up! You shut up!
You shut up!
Hey! I said, shut up!
I said, shut up.
(Yelling)
Hello?
Shane!
(Honking)
That your car, man?
Shane! Turn! Turn!
(Yelling)
Look out for the truck!
(Honking)
Shane!
Mom! Mom!
Daddy!
Help!
(All yelling)
Go! Get in the truck.
Get up in the truck now.
What the hell was that?
Ches.
Why were my kids in that car?
Do you know what could've happened?
They could've been killed.
Etta!
Etta?
Oh, no.
Jesus.
What's happening to you?
Chester, I'm--
< >
(Thunder rumbling)
< >
CHRIS: I don't wanna wear those ones!
CHESTER: There the only ones I can find right now.
I wear the red ones! I want Mommy.
Mommy always knows where the red ones are!
< > But before you judge me < >
< > And find me guilty < >
< > There's just one thing you should know < >
< > I had < >
< > Good intentions < >
< > I didn't mean to hurt anyone < >
< > 'Cause I had < >
< > Good intentions < >
< > For all the bad things I've done < >
(Crying)
< > 'Cause there ain't nothing I can say < >
< > If I could change it < >
< > I'd arrange it < >
< > And do it all differently < >
< > And I had < >
< > Good intentions... < >
I've been looking for you all night.
Damn it, Etta! You scared the crap out of me.
Geez, Pam.
Well, come on in. Jesus.
So how are the boys?
Good as can be expected.
Ches?
I think you need to give him a little space right now.
Etta.
Etta, you have always been so strong.
Honey, maybe it's time you just start
putting a little faith in other people.
You know, I was there the day that Daddy died.
You were just a baby.
I made a promise to him
that I would never need anyone,
never rely on them.
And I would take care of me and you,
and get a good education.
And then Momma left...
and I failed.
I didn't get an education. I didn't take care of me.
I didn't take care of you.
Hell, I haven't taken care of anybody.
You have not failed!
Look,
Daddy's gone!
But honey, we're all still here!
And we're gonna work this out.
Your family still loves you.
Even Kyle still loves you.
I flattened his tires.
Yeah. I know.
Let's go get some breakfast.
Come on.
SHANE: < > Row, row, row your boat < >
CHRIS: < > Row, row, row your boat < >
< > Gently down the stream < >
Gently! What?
It's "gently." You said "Jenny"!
Mom! Shut up.
Hey! What the hell are you looking at?
Bitch.
Here.
Eat something.
Eat.
So I make nice, and Chester lets me come back home.
Yeah, that is the plan.
Except the same old thing is gonna start happening again.
You're gonna start robbing him again?
No!
He's gonna spend all of our money on them crazy inventions,
and then the boys are no closer to college,
or anything else they really need.
Or-- Or, missy,
you will give him a chance.
And he's gonna make you proud.
I did kind of like that
nutcracker baseball pecan dude.
Hey. Eat your eggs.
There ain't nothing you can do about him right now.
< >
Pam?
We're going into business together.
No. You're nuts.
How's your sundae?
I tell you, there's something so good
about the way it feels in my mouth.
(Giggling)
Hey, y'all still open?
Five more minutes.
Can I use your bathroom?
Thanks!
You want one?
No, I better not.
(Whispering) Testing, one, two.
MARCY: I get off in an hour.
SHERIFF: You do?
(Rattling)
(Toilet flushing)
Fancy seeing you here, Ernie.
I like ice cream.
Yeah. Sure do.
Night, y'all!
(Duck call)
I figured I might find you here.
I've never been her before in my life.
Ernie, I need your help.
What? After what you did to Chester?
Where do you get off telling him I was fooling around?
(Scoffing)
This ain't my first rodeo, lady.
I saw what I saw.
Mm-hm.
And I heard what I heard.
Now, for once in your life,
you can help someone who really needs it,
or we can do this the hard way.
Looks like it's gonna be the hard way.
(Duck call)
ETTA: Because the circus is in town, and Momma's on edge.
Oh.
(Sheriff moaning)
I touched your hair, sorry.
Oh, yeah. Yowza!
Oh, man, you make me feel like a king!
I feel like a king!
Attaboy, Ernie!
Protect and serve!
Don't think I don't know about you and that librarian, O'Neill!
You're not gonna tell Angela, are you?
No. No.
But this here girl,
she might tell her for a case of Bud.
She really likes her beer.
Ain't all she likes.
Ernie, I need your help.
< >
I'm figuring we'll just paint it right here, like that.
This doesn't seem right though.
What?
We're cops!
How's that feel now?
What do you want me to do?
Paint.
< >
Pick it up, Picasso, I've got the 7:00 a.m. shift.
< > I don't know where I'm gonna go < >
< > But that don't mean I should stay < >
< > I'll keep these boots a-walkin' < >
< > Till I reach my grave < >
< > I gotta take it slow < >
< > This heart just needs some time to grow... < >
No, I was a Pro-Bowler.
Shoot, you were tight-end and outside linebacker?
Yeah!
You know, I grew up ten minutes from here.
Oh, yeah, that's awesome.
Yeah.
All right, right back here.
Is that the actual helmet you wore?
Hell, yeah! You want to try it on?
Maybe later.
Good morning, Buck!
Ernie said that I could use the computer.
What you got on Ernie, anyway?
After today, nothing ever again.
(Chuckling)
< >
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
You two handsome boys be safe going home now,
all right? Thank you.
Hey, how ya doing?
(Sirens blaring)
Pull over, please.
These prices are absolutely amazing!
I don't know how you can do it!
Neither can I.
Hey, baby.
Oh, such a thoughtful young man.
You should hold on tight.
Oh, I intend to.
Uh, what seems to be the problem, Sheriff?
Violation of Section 23.32.31 of the vehicle code,
you've got a broken tail light.
License and registration, please.
Well, I can take it to the garage right now.
License and registration, please.
Hey! That's my table, jackass!
Oh, no, luckily there's more where that came from.
It's fine.
It's fine, seriously.
Wha--? Wait, that's not mine.
Oh, oh, I see.
Suppose the pot fairy left it there?
It's oregano. Smell that.
It's oregano, Sheriff! Smell it! Out of the car.
I don't smoke, and I don't cook.
You have got to be kidding!
Hands on-- You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say--
What the hell are you talk--?
Sir, I don't get to say this very often.
Please, don't ruin the moment.
Yes, sir.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say will be used against you--
Sheriff, that's my stuff in that truck.
That's the stuff in my store!
They're taking my stuff! That's my stuff in that truck!
How could it be your stuff, if it's in their truck?
That's my stuff right there.
Lay down.
(Door opening)
ZACHARY: This is bull, Sheriff!
I get a phone call!
Yeah, you'll get your phone call.
Wait, wait.
There's two empty cells over here.
Why am I in here with a naked guy?
MAN: Come to Papa.
How's it coming?
Almost done scanning these.
Okay. Let me know if you need any help.
Thanks, Ernie. Sure.
Hey, you know your friend Zachary?
Turns out he's wanted in four states.
Mail fraud, fraud, larceny, assault,
mayhem.
Wow.
Yeah.
Worst thing to slither through this town.
And I got him.
Feels good
to finally feel like the sheriff.
Ernie, you are the sheriff.
I know.
Say.
What's that place Chester took you for your anniversary?
Saranby?
Saranby.
Yeah, I was going through the closet last night,
and Angela's got this old dress,
and it's been awhile since I gave her a reason to wear it.
Yeah. I got some pretty spiffy duds myself.
They're a little tight,
but I figure if I cut out the ice cream...
I think that sounds like a really good idea.
Yeah, I know you think so.
< >
Can we open them? Can we open them?
I don't know. Do you think they can open them?
CHESTER: I think they can.
I think it's Christmas.
Here's Shane, here's Chris, and there's Mom.
Merry Christmas.
All right, guys, rip into them...
Merry Christmas, you got a hair dryer!
Whoo!
Hey, that's my foot!
Is Mommy here?
Shh. Go back to sleep.
I thought I heard Mommy.
She's not here.
< > I know < >
< > I could be good for you < >
< > And I know < >
< > Afraid of escaping you < >
Sheriff!
Don't make me come in there after you.
Hey!
(Buzzing)
Hey, you know, I got a cot in there.
You look like a candidate. You could use it.
No, I'm okay. I gotta get up to Atlanta.
No, not like that, you're not.
We're taking little miss sunshine.
Why don't you hop on in?
That's all right, Ernie. Thanks anyway.
(Banging)
I said, simmer down!
I'm gonna have to give you a little pepper spray.
There's a bumblebee! Ow!
(Laughing)
Some people never learn.
All right. Stop it!
Oh. Hey, Ernie!
The, um...
(Coughing)
I think I'll take a--
You okay?
I'm gonna be all right.
< >
Hey, Etta, I'll be right with ya.
Yeah, this is Chester.
I'm getting robbed again.
Oh, yeah, it's her.
What do you mean, you're in the middle of din--?
Ernie, damn it!
Mr. Simmons brought this by.
Thought you might be needing it.
This completes the matching set.
We've had a slow day around here.
But, uh, I could let you have a couple hundred dollars.
Don't.
All right. See what's in the wallet, then.
Chester.
You know how stubborn I can get.
And then I start getting all these ideas in my head.
Like stealing all our money.
I know it don't make sense.
I always wanted the boys to have more opportunities than we did.
And you didn't trust me to earn it?
No. And that's where I was wrong.
Oh, what?
Taking the money wasn't enough,
you need to steal my nut buster?
I took him to Atlanta to meet that manufacturing guy
you talked about.
First batch of a hundred should be ready,
about next week.
First batch?
I ordered two.
Two hundred?
Are you crazy? 'Cause I--
I can't sell 200.
I don't even know if I could sell one.
Well, you already did.
$21.50 on eBay.
Huh?
It says here that, uh,
18 folks bid on it,
which ain't bad for a one-day auction.
At eleven bucks a piece to produce,
you just made ten dollars.
Ten dollars.
Ten dollars times 200 nut busters--
That's $2,000!
And maybe that's the start
of our college fund.
One of 'em made it.
I did it.
Yeah, you did.
Now, let's get you home.
I know a couple of boys who miss their mom.
As far as this gun,
it comes from the Civil War era.
Interestingly, it's surprisingly similar
to the same rifle that General Robert E. Lee
supposedly surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant
at the conclusion of the Civil War.
Now, Grant returned it many, many years later.
But do not get your hopes up.
'Cause this is not Robert E. Lee's rifle,
which is distinguished by his initials etched into
the trigger guard here.
Sadly, that rifle is lost to history.
Its whereabouts unknown.
Now, the very fine condition of your gun means
that at auction,
it would fetch $6,000 to $8,000.
However, if Lee's gun
was to show up at auction,
that number moves closer to
one million dollars.
MAN: Wow.
Good gracious.
< > Hung my cotton dress < >
< > On rusted wire < >
< > Up there on Pelahatchie Bridge < >
< > Just a crazy roughneck's daughter < >
< > Jumped head-first into the water < >
< > Baptized away my sins < >
< > Hitched to town < >
< > With Bobby Jo and Tommy < >
< > Couple of lookers new best friends < >
< > We slipped in the back of Sunday service < >
< > Know them church ladies, they heard us < >
< > Bum smoke money from the offering < >
< > Mama said, "Idle hands are Devil's handiwork" < >
< > Oh, the trouble you'll get into < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > Yeah < >
< > Sign read < >
< > "Bait, chips, beer and ammunition" < >
< > That Slim-Jim bag boy hadn't a prayer < >
< > Well, I hiked my skirt < >
< > And did the talkin' < >
< > While them boys < >
< > Were busy walkin' < >
< > Case of .5 out the back door < >
< > Hid < >
< > Deep in the Mississippi backwoods < >
< > We danced and played around till dark < >
< > Well, I had them wrestlin' for my first kiss < >
< > Turned into a fight and they missed < >
< > Me speeding off in Tommy's car < >
< > Mama said, "Idle hands are Devil's handiwork" < >
< > Oh, the trouble you'll get into < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > Yeah! < >
< > Nobody hurt nobody harmed < >
< > Nobody's business but my own < >
< > Mama said, "Idle hands are Devil's handiwork" < >
< > Oh, the trouble you'll get into < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > Yeah < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
< > Got nothin' better to do < >
< > You got nothin' better to do < >
######